Mario and Sonic Put Grudges Behind Them?

After decades of bitter rivalry it seems that — for now anyway — Mario and Sonic are putting their differences behind them and working as a team. Sonic — often categorized by opponents as an abusive left-wing nut job — first appeared in 1991. He immediately challenged the incumbent, Mario — often derogatively referred to as the dictator of the right-wing gaming machine — who had been on the scene for about 6 years already. Mario was throwing his full support behind the SNES at the time, and Sonic was in favor or the Sega Master System.

Things got very negative as Sonic lost ground in that battle. At one point an adviser of Sonic’s campaign accused Mario of “brainwashing unsuspecting kids” with that “unholy gaming device”. In the press conference that Sonic held to finally admit defeat, Sonic was anything but civil. He was reported to have said, “I just don’t understand why anyone likes that <bleep>ing Italian. What has he ever done besides throw lizards in fire? Anyone can do that. I’ve actually defeated sinister, conniving bosses. I’m ready to battle for my life — on Day One.” Mario responded by saying, “I’ll tell you why I’m winning — because no one likes that spiky freak. Everyone can see that he is in it for himself. That guy can’t even breath underwater.” Mario went on to point out that it wasn’t just any lizard he tossed in fire, but the king of lizards himself. Mario also said that Dr. Robotnik, Sonic’s archenemy, was an idiot that “any 5 year old could defeat”.

But the story doesn’t stop there. After a brief rest, both contenders were at it again with the Nintendo 64 and the Sega Saturn. This time Sonic tried to stay on the issues, calling foul play on the “so-called 64 bit system”. The Sonic team insisted that the N64 was only 16-bit times 4. While the Saturn was actually 32-bit. These subtleties had little effect on a vast majority of consumers, who thought the squabbling childish. While Sonic and Mario duked it out, Crash Bandicoot quietly supported the Playstation and ended up winning the nomination.

Sonic got particularly desperate at this time, adding addition after useless addition to his console, thoroughly confusing everyone. Afterward, Sonic began harassing Mario — appearing every now and then, mocking him, “It’s a-me, Sonic” or yelling, “Lookout, a turtle!” Mario didn’t respond well to these taunts, often spitting fireballs or reaching for an invincibility star. Eventually Mario got a restraining order.

Everyone assumed that Sonic was over with, but he tried one more time with the Sega Dreamcast, which everyone ignored. Sonic tried to file lawsuits against Crash Bandicoot and Master Chief, accusing them of kidnapping and torture. But due to Sonic’s mental instability and drinking problems, the case was dismissed in court. Sonic fueled a few conspiracy theories when he accused his judge, Princess Toadstool, of sleeping with Mario, but most of the conspiracists disappeared when Sonic was forcefully committed to to drug rehab.

But not all was well for Mario. Having lost two gaming seasons to Crash, he was getting desperate. His smooth, cocky opponent who talked about change and hope just couldn’t be beaten the same way draconian lizard kings could be. Mario was coming in third place. Even the militaristic, warmongering extremist Master Chief was doing better in the poles than him. People close to Mario during this time have said that he had an unhealthy obsession with mushrooms. Everyone thought that the era of the old-school gaming figures like Mario and Sonic was at an end.

Then something unexpected happened. During some closed-door negotiations, it was decided that Mario and Sonic would both work together this next gaming season in what people have called a “dream ticket”. Both game figures put their support behind the Nintendo Wii, and so far they are leading in the polls.

So have Sonic and Mario really made up their differences? Most behind-the-scene witnesses say no. People frequently hear Sonic complaining about the fact that it’s “always Mario and Sonic, never Sonic and Mario”. People also say that Sonic often shows up to work drunk and is sometimes abusive. Both the Sonic and Mario teams deny this. Analysts say it is likely that the strain of “being player number two” will probably have the same effect on Sonic that it had on Luigi, who is currently back in Italy after complaining publicly that Mario was a “power-hungry fool” that “can’t give anyone else the reins”.

So far Sonic has appeared in Super Smash Bros. Brawl and Mario and Sonic Olympics, but people have overheard Sonic say “if I have to work with that overweight Italian one more time, I’ll kill him three times and laugh at the game over screen.” So future joint ventures are still in the air. Will this tenuous alliance last? Who can say.